Speak of the devil...

So here I am, trouncing an angel as usual at our weekly chess game, when I get the news: God is dead.

As the big guy's worst enemy, I should be celebrating, right? Only I had nothing to do with this. My days of rebellion are long over. These days, I'm more interested in living a simple life on Earth—and whoever did this just ruined that for me.

Now every demon in Hell is on my case. Lord Lucifer, this is our chance—we need to strike at Heaven while they're weak. Lord Lucifer, the humans are defenseless—we can burn their world to ash. As if I have time to lead a war when I have a date with myself this weekend to try out a new cookie recipe. And sure, burning the humans' cities might be fun, but then what would happen to all the nice restaurants?

Worst of all, the one friend I've got has no time for me anymore. He's back to his big-shot angelic duties in Heaven—duties that probably include preparing for war against Hell. So much for our weekly chess games.

Not that I care. The devil doesn't have friends.