Get this: Cronus liked to eat babies. Narcissus probably should have just learned to masturbate. Odin got construction discounts with bestiality. Ganesh was the very definition of an unplanned pregnancy. And Abraham was totally cool about stabbing his kid in the face. All our lives, we've been fed watered-down versions of the classic myths. In reality, mythology is more screwed up than a schizophrenic shaman doing hits of unidentified . . . wait, it all makes sense now. In Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes, Cory O'Brien, creator of Myths RETOLD!, sets the stories straight. These are rude, crude, totally sacred texts told the way they were meant to be told. Here are a few more gems to consider: Zeus once stuffed an unborn fetus inside his thigh to save its life after he exploded its mother by being too good in bed; the Egyptian universe was saved because Sekhmet got too hammered to keep murdering everyone; the Hindu universe is run by a married couple who only stop murdering in order to throw dance parties on the corpses of their enemies; the Norse goddess Freyja once consented to a four-dwarf gangbang in exchange; and there's more dysfunctional goodness where that came from.