I started my defense play by contacting a Secretary at a place that I used to work. I told the Secretary, "I have a date for a very important for me company party. I'm sure that my date is going to stand me up."
The Secretary asks, "Why are you sure that your date is going to stand you up."
I tell the Secretary, "I got a date with Linda for what I told her was a very important party. Even a girl, like Linda, would want to discuss outfit strategy with one or more of the my company ladies, for an important date. Linda doesn't know any of the ladies who work at my current company. Thus, Linda doesn't intend to go to my company party with me."
The Secretary lady asks, "This is Bad Jim Eld I'm talking to?"
I say, "Yes, this is Jim Eld."
The Secretary lady sneers, "I realize that hand speed is important for a Kung Fu fighter guy. However, hand speed is also important for a Kung Fu guy's date, several local girls have mentioned the fact."
I reply, "Look, a guy has to be at least a little aggressive."
The Secretary lady sneers, "Your modern girl is prepared for a seduction attempt on a date, but she is usually not prepared for an attack. Then again, some of the modern bitches figure that surrender is the best defense against an attack. Okay, Linda is not going to just stand you up for your important company party date. Linda is going to your important company party as Karel's date. By the way, the police are aware of the situation. Apparently Karel had a talk with the local police."
I reply, "I can assure you that I intend no violence against Karel or Linda, either before, during or after the party. However, the situation does leave me in the need of an acceptable date for my important company party."
The Secretary lady sneers, "I wondered if I should tell you what I'm about to tell you. However, your seeing the problem with Linda does elevate you a bit. I have a lady who might be a good date for you, for your important company party. The lady is a looker, but not to the level that Linda is, very few girls are. The lady does not need your hands on certain parts of her body."
I say, "I hesitate to ask, but does the lady you are talking about have conversational skills suitable to talk to the ladies at the party?"
The Secretary lady sneers, "The lady does indeed have conversational skills suitable to talk to the ladies at the party. However, the lady does not have conversational skills suitable to talk to the computer clods at the party."
I reply, "I will have a talk with the computer clods, who will be at the party. Since I am sometimes called Bad Jim, there will be no clod problems after my talk."
The Secretary lady sneers, "You do not intend to surface the idea of a Kung Fu death match with the computer clods?"
I reply, "Well, maybe just the tiniest hint, just enough to get the job done. I will look after the lady. It would be nice if I could meet my date lady, prior to the party."
The Secretary lady says, "So far, so good. You better not surface the idea of data latency in a computer I/O channel as a conversational gambit with the lady."
I say, "I am a sensitive man. I might ask the lady, 'Is your dress by Givenchy? Perhaps the latest from Yves Saint Laurent?' type of thing."
The Secretary lady says, "Better than I expected, so far, so good. You better not mention the parts of the lady, partially covered by Givenchy or the latest from Yves Saint Laurent."
I say, "Again, I am a sensitive man. I will keep it toned down."
The Secretary lady says, "Bad Jim, I don't trust you any further than I can throw my work building. However, most of the boys that the lady has met here so far, think...