"It's so good you're settled in your own place. It's what your mother would have wanted." I remember being told that, about a year after she died. I was struggling to keep hold of a job that was closing the walls in on me...and to keep a flat that felt just a little out of reach. Suddenly, it hit me that what had held me together through the times I had slept in the car or wandered down a city high street in search of a hostel was nothing to do with all the things I was trying to hold on to. It was not the struggle to be safe that was tearing me apart - it was the overwhelming fear that I had to struggle... that I had to be safe. The best of me was never the safe bit. It's the part where the blobby mountains live.