The Orcs of Ormensgourd aren't happy. The Staff of Wyvenhore has been stolen and an accusing finger is pointed at the dwarfs of Glengglaggnod. In this the true account of the war, we find out what really happened when the forces of Lord Bilgesac marched on King Muttontache. Nothing is left out – the marching, the carnage, the bad food, the farting. From the call to arms to the last decapitated head, from ribald marching songs to ridiculous camouflage, Private Valerian Goutweed's diary spills the beans (and a lot of blood) on life inside an orc army.