Ancient folk takes updated to reflect true equality and rewritten to remove the overwhelming and thoroughly boring gynocentrism of the original versions. Stories with a little less emphasis on the princess and a lot more emphasis on the prince, just for a change. Politically incorrect, entirely the opposite of "WOKE" and written in the only language that the author knows – florid and purple English English. Please regard the entire title as a "trigger warning".

Cinderella. Prince Dave almost, very quite nearly, escapes the ambitions of Cinderella – had his motorbike been able to gather a little more speed he would have made it over the barbed wire into Free Switzerland.

Pinocchio. What's a boy to do when his penis is made of wood and the local priest marries him off? It's not Pinocchio's nose that stretches, it's his little car's brake cables.

Rapunzel. Poor Rapunzel, stuck in a high tower in the woods with bright red cropped hair and no cat.

Sleeping beauty. It is of course – and rightly so – impossible for the prince to wake Sleeping Beauty from her curse. Without constant enthusiastic consent the necessary peck on the cheek would be regarded as a serious assault.

Jack and the Soy-Beanstalk. Their cow seized and Jack's mother in Ibiza with her supplier-lovers, Jack is censured by society over the sorry state of their garden and is forced to flee up the Baked Beans vomit stalk to a land in the sky where he actually meets his father for the first time.

Victoria Frankenstein's Positively Adorable Monster. Starting with rebuilding the family cat Victoria and her assistant go on to show Mr God how the whole creation and re-creation of life thing really ought to be done, and they build.... the perfect woman.