Remember when vampires were scary? Yeah, us neither. Between your Twilight and your Vampire: The Masquerade vampires have become the biggest tools in monsterdom, never mind the fact that they weren't exactly firing on all their horror cylinders to begin with. Honestly, have you seen the original Dracula? It has armadillos in it! Fortunately, misanthropic film critic Mr. Satanism is here to put all these bloodsucking turds (try getting THAT image out of your head) to rest, from the not-quite classics to the modern parade of non-vampires that drink Perrier instead of blood and sparkle when you spank them. Because let's face it, new or old, Hollywood blockbusters or direct-to-streaming also-rans, vampire movies suck.