Hello. I'm Oliver Tate, the protagonist.

My ambitions are as follows: (1) To find out why my father sometimes stays in bed for days at a time. (2) To find out why my mother's getting surfing lessons—and probably more—from a hippy-looking twonk. (3) To lose my virginity before it becomes legal—in just over a year.

There are other, lesser characters in the book: Jordana, who is my love interest, despite her eczema. Zoe, whose only real school friend is a dinner lady. I feel sorry for Zoe, which, in turn, makes me feel better about my own life. Then there's my friend Chips, an outstanding bully. He made our Religious Education teacher cry. This book might not change my life. But there is no telling how you will react.