"Men don't write about feelings, this isn't manly. Men are hard, think logically, coherently and don't show any feelings." And yet they reach limits where this picture isn't quite true anymore. When my wife died, precisely this picture was torn to pieces. Looking for books written by men about this topic, I wasn't able to find any. This is how this book came into being. I wrote down my thoughts in the period before and after my wife's death. Thoughts noted down by a person who is trying to regain control of his life, lead his life and show his four children the way.