The rules change at 50! The New York Times–bestselling author and former SNL writer offers advice on living this stage of life with your dignity intact.

If you or someone you know has just turned fifty, it's time to accept that the rules of life have changed, and that fifty is not the new thirty for most of us. Leland Gregory understands the forgetful minds, sagging bodies, and flagging pride of his fellow middle-agers, and in 50 Things Not to Do after 50, he offers helpful—and hilarious—advice for combating the humiliations this stage of life can bring.

In this lighthearted and sometimes painfully on-target book, you'll learn that what we used to do in our twenties, thirties, and forties should be avoided at all costs from now on. For example, regardless of gender, under no circumstances should you ever . . .

Attempt to wear leather pants

Start a story that involves a lot of names—you'll forget most of them before the story is over

Stalk your high school sweetheart on Facebook; the person you had the hots for in 10th grade probably isn't so hot anymore

Get drunk in Pamplona and decide to run with the bulls

Volunteer to be a drug mule

Say things like "fo'shizzle," "whatev," or "cray-cray"

. . . And do we really need to mention thongs, Speedos, or jeggings?

Leland Gregory, the New York Times–bestselling author of Stupid American History and America's Dumbest Criminals, has been praised by Katie Couric as the "chronicler of Stupid America."