'Hi.
'Charles, calling Earth.
'Sssscreeeewaheeee...'
'I know you're out there ... come in please.
'Vern! Vern! Do you hear me dude? Come back? Get back to me good buddy, Vern!
'Fuck!'
'Charles—stop with the swearing! Desist! Immediately young man!'
'This walkie-talkie of Vern's is crap—it won't send send—it won't receive—it's dead!'
'That's no excuse!
'Get that homework done!'
'Yes Mom...'

My Vacation
by Charles Hopkins Junior

I endure a certain notoriety for the weird fact of having been born with a blue tongue. For the benefit of the uninformed I will give a brief recap before going to my main topic, which, is that of Spontaneous Human Combustion. Hereabouts, S H C has been the source of much interest and conjecture of late.
Up on the road to Loon Lake there lived an old woman ... namely, a Mrs. Annie Crump. She lived alone and her death by fire was a mystery; that is ... until very recently.