What do jazz, coffee, football and ninja girls have in common? Me, that's who, Mason Ezekiel Barnes. I'm a retired NFL tackle turned author, a big-headed man (as in large, not proud) living in a world dominated by small-headed people. Pinhead insults wear thin, especially when they come from Conrad Bancroft, whose head isn't much bigger than a light bulb. That twerpy little gnome thinks he can write better than me and he writes about buffalo for God's sake. Which would you rather read, a treatise on furry four legged beasts or the saga of Mia Killjoy, my naughty Bond girl, taking on evil Dr. Cockadoodle? I know, it's crazy. I don't get the critics' infatuation with him either, but I will beat him. I will win my Pulitzer someday and then I'll watch the gnome weep.