"There's a porpoise that was washed up after a storm and we are encouraged to use it as a punch bag. A gaggle of volunteers keep it hydrated and feed it fish fingers. We require weeks of coaxing before we dare to approach the creature." Would you mind if we don't really introduce this story? We want to keep it as a surprise. We can tell you that it's the first work by a new and unique talent. And that when we say 'unique', we really mean 'unique'. But beyond that, we crave indulgence. Once you've experienced this astonishing rush of words, you'll understand why...