Machete is a Sanky Panky from the Dominican Republic who via a strange series of events turns pirate. The story takes place during the 17th Century, the Golden Age of Piracy. Machete lives in Cabarete Village where he is forced to become a thief. He robs merchant ships until he gets caught nearly getting a one-way ticket to Davy Jones' Locker.

Machete becomes a Sanky Panky instead in order to seduce rich gringas into giving him money. Machete's ultimate goal is to convince one of these bonnie lasses to marry him.

However, Cabarete Village is attacked by one of the Seven Deadly Pirates that rule the seas: Captain Envy, who takes Machete's mother Esperanza hostage to settle a grudge. Machete goes to rescue his mother but gets his ass kicked. Captain Envy decides to offer Machete a deal: if Machete can somehow manage to amass the sum of 1,000 pieces-of-eight Machete can buy back his mother and Cabarete Village's freedom.

Not having the slightest idea how to get his hands on the ransom, Machete devises a plan to seduce a siren witch in order to obtain a treasure map, convinces an ex-pirate captain to lend him a ship, and starts out on his quest.

As he sails to the mysterious Lost Island where the treasure is located, Machete acquires a crew: a samurai sushi chef, a navigator mermaid, a siren witch, a vampire priest (ex-Templar Knight) and others...