One flying starfish of death and life on the beach has never been the same; Barton Grover Howe can prove it. The beginning of his weekly need to leave Americans "Beach Slapped," in his newspaper column, he's got all the stories of life in the Pacific Northwest that matter. His wife's crazed driving habits ("She's from New Jersey, where cussing out the guy next to you isn't so much rude as it is a preemptive strike."); tips for getting through airport screening during the busy holiday season ("Nothing says you're not an Islamic Fundamentalist terrorist like carrying a 12-pound honey-glazed pile of pig meat onto the plane."); and questioning the methods of sanctimonious supermarket environmentalists ("Where do they take their cloth bags from the store? Their cars. If they were serious they'd be going home on a llama.").

So join Amazon.com best-selling author Barton Grover Howe as he tells the real-life story of the world's first homicidal starfish ... and just gets funnier from there.