Whilst the following story is completely true, I have slightly changed my own identity in order to avoid prosecution and/or violent death—or, at the very least, a good kicking. Not that any of the events contained herein were my fault—or at least none of the important ones. Or only some of them. Unless you include obtaining money under false pretenses. Or the borrowing of various motor vehicles without permission. Or perverting the course of justice. And, of course, the use of sarcasm and choice language in a built-up area. Oh, and being party to the kidnapping of several young people with multiple disabilities, though that was definitely just a case of being caught up in the excitement of the moment. And the same could really be said about all the explosions, the arson, the molesting of various indigents and the so-called high treason charge that, in my opinion,was trumped up because none of the other stuff was going to stick in court. Or the thing about interfering with the dead guy. But I was desperate at the time. That came out all wrong... No, wait, if you'd just let me explain—