A romantic, tender tale of blossoming emotions and hardcore schtupping. 50 SHADES OF GREY doesn't come close to reaching the literary heights of A COUPLA SHADES OF TAUPE. A Pulitzer is inevitable.

Pagan Taupe is the wealthiest man in all of Arkansas. He's got everything. The only thing that's missing is a whiny young codependent named Alexandra Aluminum. Pagan becomes obsessed with Alexandra at a level normally portrayed by Rob Lowe in Lifetime movies. But unlike Rob Lowe, Pagan doesn't want to beat her with a tire iron and bury her beneath the town bridge—he wants to make her his live-in sex slave. Alexandra takes the leap and agrees to be Pagan's unquestioning "submissive," and the two embark on a sexual journey that would make Gloria Steinem put a loaded gun to her temple.