Being abducted by aliens once is bad luck. Twice is a coincidence. But for me? It's starting to feel like a cosmic joke. When I'm snatched off the streets of New York and hauled onto yet another UFO, I quickly realize these aliens aren't the sharpest tools in the interstellar shed. From their terrible sense of fashion to their laughable security systems, X'orkul and Y'vak seem less like apex abductors and more like bumbling kidnappers in over their heads.

Armed with nothing but my quick wit, an alarming knack for pressing shiny buttons, and a white belt in martial arts (earned in a grueling three lessons), I navigate alien hijinks, intergalactic standoffs, and the occasional existential crisis.

Throw in a supportive girlfriend who's as unflappable as she is amused by my tall tales, and you've got a story about survival, humanity, and the lengths one man will go to outsmart the universe's most confused captors.

If they abduct me again, they better bring snacks.